Remains Of A Medieval Man Reveal He Replaced His Severed Hand With A Blade

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These are the remains of a 6th – 8th century medieval Italian man who researchers believe had his severed hand replaced with a knife, because that’s what you do when you lose a hand — you replace it with a weapon. Back me up, Captain Hook! “I’m gonna kill Pan AND that croc!” Oh, you. Tell Smee to bring us some more wine. And look out — a mosquito just landed on your pants!

All the other male burials with knives at the site had their arms and their weapons laid at their sides. But not this guy.

He had his right arm bent at the elbow, the arm laid across his torso. Next to it was a knife blade, the butt aligned with his amputated wrist. Also at the amputation site, archaeologists found a D-shaped buckle, and decomposed organic material – most likely leather.

This suggests a leather cap over the amputated limb, a buckle used for fastening – and a knife attached to the cap, although the purpose is unclear. However, given the advanced healing of the bone, it is clear the man lived for a long time after his hand had been amputated.

I wonder what sort of tales ol’ Knifehand would have to share with us. Because I’m guessing some GOOD ONES. And probably some terrifying drinking stories as well. You told him you were going to put that knife WHERE? Man oh man, you’re too wild — I would never drink with you. I’m serious, high five to that! *leaves him hanging* What are you, nuts?

Thanks to Sebastian LP, who agrees a modern man would obviously choose a laser cannon.

Source: Geekologie – Remains Of A Medieval Man Reveal He Replaced His Severed Hand With A Blade

I'm Flying, Jack!: Dirt Biker Crosses 3.4-Miles Atop Italy's Lake Como

These are two videos of Italian dirt biker Luca Colomba speeding 5.5 kilometers (~3.4 miles) from Gravedona to Colico across the surface of Lake Como on a bike fitted with a special rear paddle tire. “Don’t outdo me again.” Jesus, ladies and gentlemen! Hey can you show me that water into wine thing? I’m having a party this weekend and my bank account balance looks like the total of a Taco Bell receipt. Also, if you’ve got the time, that two fish and five loaves to feed 5,000 thing would be a huge help too. Realistically though I’ll probably only need enough to feed four. “Thousand?” Just four — I’m thinking a saltine and a sardine should do the trick.

Keep going for a professionally shot overview of the whole feat, as well as a much poorer quality video from a boat chasing alongside him.

Source: Geekologie – I’m Flying, Jack!: Dirt Biker Crosses 3.4-Miles Atop Italy’s Lake Como

Justice: Driver Deciding To Drive On Highway Shoulder Immediately Gets Pulled Over

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This is a very short video from Interstate 285 East outside Atlanta, Georgia of a driver who decides traffic laws don’t apply to them and proceeds to drive on the shoulder (with complete disregard for the rumble strips) instead of inside a lane. Unbeknownst to them, the car in front of the person filming is a police officer, and immediately pulls the person over. SWEET JUSTICE. I honestly think if I could witness something similar in person once a day my life would be at LEAST 15% happier. “But don’t you drive on the sidewalk?” Only when I absolutely have to. “When do you absolutely have to?” Just to and from work.

Keep going for the feel-good video, complete with a completely disregarded ‘Don’t do it!’ warning from the guy filming.

Source: Geekologie – Justice: Driver Deciding To Drive On Highway Shoulder Immediately Gets Pulled Over

Damaged Power Line Causes Sidewalk Explosion, Tries To Barbecue Man On Ladder

This is some street security camera (Big Brother) footage from Amsterdam of a damaged underground powerline (allegedly hit by a nearby worker), causing the sidewalk to explode in a fireball and trying to torch a man standing precariously on a ladder. Thankfully, the man only needed to be treated for minor burns. Although as someone pointed out — it looks like the man on the ladder was actually being targeted by the fire. Obviously, I’ll some inquiries at Mutant Headquarters to find out if there are any rogue mutants in Amsterdam with fire and/or earth elemental powers. I’ll report back with my findings. “Well?” Turns out there’s no such thing as Mutant Headquarters.

Keep going for the video.

Source: Geekologie – Damaged Power Line Causes Sidewalk Explosion, Tries To Barbecue Man On Ladder

A Weird Star Wars Inspired Song With Music Video Edited From The Sarlaac Pit Scene With Luke Wielding An Infinitely Long Lightsaber

This is the song and music video for the Auralnauts’ title track from their new album ‘The Last Laser Master’. The music video is an edited version of the Battle of the Great Pit of Carkoon scene from Return Of The Jedi, complete with Luke swinging an infinitely long lightsaber. The whole thing was weird, but enjoyable, kind of like the first time you and your partner try swinging. “Wait, what?” *puts hand-phone up to head* Call me.

Keep going for the video, but check out all the links on the video’s Youtube page if you want to hear more or download some tracks.

Source: Geekologie – A Weird Star Wars Inspired Song With Music Video Edited From The Sarlaac Pit Scene With Luke Wielding An Infinitely Long Lightsaber

Baby Owls Born On Window Ledge Stare Inside Office

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This is a shot from the office of one of UCLA professor Michael Lens’s colleagues of a group of baby owls that were born on the window ledge a few weeks ago and constantly stare into the office. Obviously, my favorite is the one on the left (closeup after the jump), because it’s clearly the most special of the three. It kind of reminds me of the Weasley family’s owl, Errol. I feel sorry for whoever’s office that is though, because how are you supposed to get anything done when you’re having such a hoot?! “You really are a dad now, aren’t you GW?” I don’t know how it could have happened! “Sex?” Ahahahahaha! “AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Okay that’s enough.

Keep going for a closeup of owl numero uno.

Source: Geekologie – Baby Owls Born On Window Ledge Stare Inside Office

Good Aim: Woman, Drinking For First Time Since Giving Birth, Frisbees Frozen Pizza Into Oven

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Now that the bun is out of her oven, this is a video of Twitter user josie_grady’s sister tipsy for the first time since giving birth and tossing a frozen pizza in an oven frisbee-style with such accuracy I can only assume she’s a former Ultimate Frisbee champion. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? “A compilation of frozen pizza trick shots?” Exactly. If I had thrown that pizza? It would have instantly become a cheese and pepperoni with dust bunnies and dog hair special. Don’t get me wrong, I still would have eaten it, I’d just probably have to cook it a little longer. “At least until the burnt hair smell is gone.” At least, and possibly until the fire trucks arrives.

Keep going for the video while the frozen pizza frisbee challenge takes off on social media. I called it.

Source: Geekologie – Good Aim: Woman, Drinking For First Time Since Giving Birth, Frisbees Frozen Pizza Into Oven

All The Rage This Spring: Braided Roses Hairstyles

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These are several shots of the beautiful braided rose hairstyles developed by Fairfield, Connecticut stylist Alison Valsamis. How does she do it? Let me copy/paste that for you while I twirl my hair with one finger and make come-hither eyes at you. “You’re cross-eyed.” No, I’m just not putting all my eggs in only your basket.

“To create these roses, I start with a small 3-strand braid rolled up to serve as the centermost part,”…”Next, I alternate between standard fishtails and Dutch fishtails pulled apart to create depth. I finish with a Dutch 3-strand braid only pulled out on the outermost side to create the large petal feel of a rose in bloom.”

No word how many ladies just saved these photos so they could rush to their stylist to get something similar done before the second half of Coachella this weekend, but I’m guessing a small to fair amount. I mean, at least a handful of the ones who aren’t already wearing culturally appropriated Native American headdresses. “Wow, GW, you’re sassy today.” TAXES.

Keep going for several more shots of the beautiful hairflowers, which really are lovely.

Source: Geekologie – All The Rage This Spring: Braided Roses Hairstyles

Full Stomach Joker Face Tattoo With Actual Cigar In Belly Button

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This is a full-stomach Joker face tattoo inked by Sash Trajkovski. The person with the tattoo can now place a real cigar in their belly button to complete the smoking Joker look. Pretty clever. Maybe not AS clever as the original cat and monkey butt belly button tattoos, but I guess this guy hasn’t given up on getting laid yet.

Keep going for a video of the Joker smoking.

Source: Geekologie – Full Stomach Joker Face Tattoo With Actual Cigar In Belly Button

Sadness: Punk-Rock 'Butt-Breathing' Turtle Faces Extinction

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In sad news, the “butt-breathing” May River turtle, native to Queensland, Australia, has recently been added to “the ‘Edge of Existence’ list of endangered species compiled by the Zoological Society of London (ZSL).” Some more info about the turtles while I speculate if butt-chugging a beer is an appropriate tribute:

An Australian river turtle with a distinctive green punk-rock hairstyle, two spikes under its chin and the ability to breathe through its genitals is on a new list of endangered reptiles.

[The turtle] has the unusual ability to breathe underwater through specialized glands in its cloaca — a posterior opening for excretion and reproduction.

This biological function allows the turtle — referred to as a “butt breather” — to stay underwater for up to three days. That ability also usually provides these turtles with a vibrant green mohawk, the result of algae growing on their heads because of the extended time spent submerged.

Conservationists attribute the turtle’s dwindling numbers to habitat loss and overcollection for the pet trade and NOT Shredder like I had previously suspected. You know, it’s going to be weird in the future when you have one of your grandchildren on your knee and you’re telling them you can still remember a time when there were butt-breathing turtles on earth. Now the only remaining butt-breathers are in politics and OH SHIT, did you hear that?! Robot attack — to the bunker!

Thanks to Ed who wields the axe of Grognak! and Fartbutt, who both really went out of their way with the names.

Source: Geekologie – Sadness: Punk-Rock ‘Butt-Breathing’ Turtle Faces Extinction

Three Bears Try To Relax In A Hammock

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This is a video of three bears trying to relax in a hammock. They aren’t very good at it. Eventually, the largest bear leaves and the two others do an accidental flip before getting embarrassed and taking off for the woods. Forget the hammock, I would have been all about that clubhouse in the background. When reached the comment about the incident, Baby Bear had this to say: “F*ck Goldilocks’s hammock.” Strong words from a cub!

Keep going for the video.

Source: Geekologie – Three Bears Try To Relax In A Hammock

Criminal Masterminds: Guy Breaks Into GameStop Wearing The Plastic Wrap A Case Of Water Bottles Comes In As A Mask

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Because some people genuinely miss jail when they’re not there, this is some security cam footage from a St. Marys, Georgia GameStop of a man who clearly drove up from Florida and broke into the store at 2AM wearing the plastic wrap from a case of water bottles as a mask. Honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t find a way to suffocate. I’m also surprised police haven’t already caught this guy because he’s the only person with God Of War trophies/achievements already.

St. Marys Police tell Kotaku the suspect gained entry to the store by kicking out the bottom glass panel of the front door, but have not disclosed what–if anything–was taken.

Wait — why won’t they tell us what was taken? That is VALUABLE INFORMATION that could help lead to an arrest. Like, how am I supposed to know if the guy selling forty copies of Far Cry 5 and a loose case of Aquafina out of his trunk is really our guy?

Keep going for the footage.

Source: Geekologie – Criminal Masterminds: Guy Breaks Into GameStop Wearing The Plastic Wrap A Case Of Water Bottles Comes In As A Mask

Real Products That Are About To Exist: Heinz Mayochup, A Mayonnaise/Ketchup Mix

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Heinz recently took to Twitter and said if 500,000 people voted that they should make Mayochup, that they’ll release it in US stores. Well they got the necessary votes and now it’s coming. Can’t wait? Mix your own. Plus if you mix your own you can fine-tune the ketchup to mayo ratio specifically to your taste. Personally, I prefer a 2 to 1 ketchup to mayo mix, but that’s just me and I’ve been doing this since I was tall enough to grab the condiment packets at Burger King. Feeling wild? Squirt some mustard in there too all willy-nilly until you’ve created an unsalvageable dumpster fire that your dad still makes you eat all of anyways because, “You’ve gotta learn to respect the condiments, son.”

Thanks to JM, who agrees the key to the best ketchup/mayo blend is a little pickle relish.

Source: Geekologie – Real Products That Are About To Exist: Heinz Mayochup, A Mayonnaise/Ketchup Mix

Solid Routine: Pole Dancer Eats A Piece Of Pizza On Stage

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Note: Probably not the best video to watch at work. At least not without inviting everyone over first.

This is a video of dancer Lilly Moon (who also posted the video) eating a large slice of pizza on stage before handing the crust to some guy to finish and proceeding to dance the pole at Jumbo’s Clown Room in Hollywood, California (which isn’t so much a strip club as a rock-and-roll bikini bar with alternative dancers — I had a friend go once). She makes a lot of money eating that pizza too! If I could make that much money eating pizza I would definitely be living my best life. Maybe even work a little ranch and spicy red pepper flakes into my routine. Does that sound like something you might be interested in tipping to see? “No.” What about garlic knots? “No.” Okay how about lasagna instead? “Go on.” Get out of here, Garfield!

Keep going for the video.

Source: Geekologie – Solid Routine: Pole Dancer Eats A Piece Of Pizza On Stage

Electric VW Camper Van Power Wheels Style Car For Kids

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This is the officially licensed electric VW T1 Camper Van for kids manufactured by Beyond Infinity and available on Amazon for $400. The iconic van has 2 forward speeds and one reverse speed, opening doors, functioning head and taillights, a light-up dash, plays sound effects, and even has a USB charger and an aux cord so your kid can plug in their phone and cruise to their music. Must be nice. Personally, I never had a little electric car when I was a kid, but that’s just me and it still comes up in therapy from time to time.

Keep going for a handful more shots and a video.

Source: Geekologie – Electric VW Camper Van Power Wheels Style Car For Kids

Man Recounts Story Of Testing His Wife's Taser On Himself

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This is the hopefully real story told by Ellisville, Mississippi man Tony Welsh, who decided to test the taser he bought his wife on himself to make sure it had adequate stopping power. The taser in question is a 100,000-volt pocket-sized taser powered by two AA batteries, which he suspected wouldn’t be powerful enough. He was wrong. Obviously, the best parts for me were SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER READ THE STORY FIRST: pooping himself and “My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.” Man, double nipple twitching — that’s bucket list stuff right there. Obviously, I wrote him to find out exactly what model it was so I can finally cross that off and move to the freaky stuff.

Keep going for the whole story, but if you just want to read the actual test notes skip halfway down to where he’s writing in all caps and I made a small pink tab on the left.

Source: Geekologie – Man Recounts Story Of Testing His Wife’s Taser On Himself

An Impressive Semi-Autonomous Flying Fox Inspired Robot

This is the BionicFlyingFox robot developed by Festo (previously: their other robotic animals). In case you couldn’t tell by the name, it was inspired by the flight of flying foxes (aka fruit bats — the largest bats in the world). It can fly semi-autonomously by constantly communicating with a stationary motion-tracking system to make sure it doesn’t fly into walls. I’ve probably already told you this before, but I actually caught a bat in a pillowcase once. It got trapped in my parents’ screened porch and couldn’t find its way out. I was a real hero that day. Every other day? “An absolute zero.” And that’s being generous.

Keep going for the video.

Source: Geekologie – An Impressive Semi-Autonomous Flying Fox Inspired Robot

Man Builds Rideable, Electric-Powered TIE Fighter

This is the rideable land-based TIE Fighter built by Queensland, Nova Scotia man Allan Carver. The spacecraft is powered by mobility chair motors, tops out at 10km/h (6MPH), and can be piloted remotely or from inside the cockpit (albeit uncomfortably without the top hatch open) via radio controller. Oh — and it also makes TIE fighter sounds. Pew pew, pew!

“I didn’t want people to look at this and start picking it apart. I want people to look at this and go ‘That’s a TIE fighter,'” Carver said. “The proportions are right, the details are close.”

He said he was inspired to build it last December during the release of “Star Wars: The Last Jedi.”

“I was like ‘You know what would be cool? If you could actually drive a giant TIE fighter,'” Carver said.

That’s a pretty sweet ride, Allan, you should be proud. You should also let me take it for a spin down to the beer store. And I’m not just saying that because I know the kid behind the counter is a huge Star Wars fan and would probably give me a free beer, but I have noticed he has a Rebel Alliance tattoo behind his ear and I could really go for a free beer right now. Ooh — and some chips and lotto scratchers. “Anything else?” I wouldn’t say no to a body massage.

Keep going for a video of the the build and finished product.

Source: Geekologie – Man Builds Rideable, Electric-Powered TIE Fighter

Possible Real-Life Troll Posts In Boating Group On Facebook

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Note: Larger version HERE just in case troll feet tickle your fancy.

This is a picture posted by a member of a boating group on Facebook who was excited to show off the new air compressor he intends to install on his boat. Now those are some troll feet if I’ve ever seen some. I have so many questions. Is this even real? Were you never introduced to nail clippers or reciprocating saws? And why is the second toe on your right foot curled under the big toe?! Have you ever had that looked at? Because I’m looking at it right now and the prognosis is NOT GOOD.

Thanks to Rick, who’s also a member of the group and insists post are generally troll footless.

Source: Geekologie – Possible Real-Life Troll Posts In Boating Group On Facebook

Waste Not, Want Not: Woman Creates Bikini Out Of Taxidermied Frogs

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Note: Picture edited for work modesty. Full shots after the jump/below.

Lousiana frog hunter Fabiana LeFleur learned from her father at an early age to use every part of a hunted animal as possible, so nothing goes to waste. And, two decades later, enter the frog bikini, a two-piece bathing suit made from seven taxidermied frogs Fabiana caught to eat. Some more info while I distract Kermit from ever seeing this:

Although she is happy with the results, LeFleur admits wearing the suit presents some challenges.

“They don’t have an underwire, so there’s not as much support as a standard bathing suit,” she said. “As a piece of sportswear, a wardrobe malfunction would be inevitable.”

She hopes her frog bikini inspires more people to find ways to use materials they would otherwise discard.

Inevitable wardrobe malfunctions — tell me more. Also, sure, not wasting resources, that’s an important lesson a lot of people could learn. Still, I can’t help but feel that’s my would-be prince covering her left tit. *shrug* Like the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. “Just how many frogs have you kissed, GW?” Minus these ones? All of them — plus most turtles (you never know).

Keep going for a couple more shots of the frog bikini’s lack of support.

Source: Geekologie – Waste Not, Want Not: Woman Creates Bikini Out Of Taxidermied Frogs